Cussing and Its Affect On My Life

I grew up around a lot of cussing. My parents would argue and tell each other bad names and I would witness this at the age of 3. This isn’t a sob story but rather a reality for many. Growing up around cussing made me, a cusser.

My sister and I would say bad words to each other all the time. I would never cuss in front of my parents though. My sister though? Oh, she was never afraid to speak her mind. She cusses and yells how she feels to my parents. I believe it’s a form of expressing herself. We grew up in two ways. She kept things to herself outside of the home but yelled and screamed it indoors. And I? Well, I became a massive oversharer who never wanted to speak up or cuss in the house. I was the mediator. We both found ways to express ourselves based on how we felt we weren’t being heard growing up. My sister yelled for them to listen, and I shared my intimate problems with anyone there to listen. Both not very good coping mechanisms.

In the 6th grade I remember sitting with a couple of friends at the lunch table at the beginning of the year and they were all cussing. I never had cussed in front of anyone except my sister prior. They kept saying all these bad words and I felt, “Should I be cussing too?” So, I did. My first curse word was “b*tch.” I remember it took me a bit of time to say it. I didn’t have the strength to say such a word, but I wanted to fit in with these friends.

After that, I became addicted. Everyone at school knew me as a girl who cussed. I’d say every bad word, even when unnecessary. I felt very angry all the time. I felt the feelings my parents felt when they cussed. It was this feeling of power. The power my sister felt when she cussed back when she knew they hated it. Even if she got in trouble. The power was addicting. I felt insecure and small. Being angry made me feel big.

It was fake. All of it. The feeling of bigness I had. It only made me hide behind this version of myself that I wasn’t really. This version of myself that claimed I did not care what others thought, yet I cared so much.

I precisely remember one time my crush was talking bad about one of my closest friends. He said he thought she dressed weird and did not like her hair. I told him, “She’s my friend. You don’t have to be such a b*tch” and walked away. Sounds good right? No, not good. A sign of my weakness. That very day I came home and felt an immense amount of guilt for calling him that. For standing up for my friend. Because he was my crush. So, the next day I apologized. I apologized for the wrong reasons. Maybe I could have worded it differently and not cussed, but as someone who never minded cussing, apologizing to someone who was rude about my friend only because he was my crush, was my biggest moment of weakness. One I regret.

That’s what I mean. I felt so much false power by cussing and yet when I needed to actually have the power, I felt so weak. I couldn’t stand up for my friend like she deserved.

In 2020 I was at my lowest like so many others. But then something changed. Being away from everyone meant I didn’t have to pretend in front of anyone anymore. I could be myself. Figure out who I am. In 2021, I decided to stop cussing. I didn’t cuss for a couple years.

It was the best decision I ever made. Once I stopped, I felt so much freer. I didn’t feel so angry all the time. If there was something I wanted to express my frustrations on, I would find clever ways to say it without going straight to bad words. It made me higher in character, and honestly? I respected her more than any other version of myself. She was positive. Happy. Kind. Caring. Clever. Forgiving.

I would look back at these past videos I made for myself during a time I cussed. I was so angry and upset. Seeing myself in that state was hurtful. I never wanted to be like that again. She was such a hurt little girl. She witnessed something in her childhood and made it part of her. That’s one of the reasons why what parents do around children matters so much. As they say, “Monkey see, monkey do.”

Sadly, I’ve started cussing again.

I came to this new world of college, and I found this urge to fit in again. I felt like not cussing made me too vulnerable. It made me weak. The same symptoms as last time. I started to use cussing as a coping mechanism to appear stronger, but it’s only made me angrier. Just. Like. Last. Time.

The cussing has never helped me. It’s hurt me. A world filled with hateful words is bound to be filled with hate. If we erase the words with their sole reason being to hurt others, we gain, rather than lose. Those words as some may argue were “made for self-expression.” I don’t think so. I believe these words do not have to be used. Any word that holds such a hurtful and negative weight to it will never do good. Since when did you ever hear a cuss word bring love and joy to the world?

Our words hold power. More power than you think. Any word we say, stays. Like a digital footprint, our words remain stained and etched on our universe too. Our physical world. Choose your words more carefully. You never know what you might discover.

Cuss words are also known as curse words. I believe the one who uses them is cursed with anger. People may believe these words are harmless and maybe some are, but their damages outweigh the benefits.

I think I want to go back to being her again. How can I expect to navigate this world and become better if I’m taking steps backward?

You choose to do what you will with the matters of language. As for me? I think I’m better off without it.

- Thurmond Green